Updated: Oct 18, 2021
Thank you, Lord, I have reached 9 MONTHS!!!!!! THIS is definitely the longest I've EVER been since I first started consuming alcohol at the young age of 15. Even when I was pregnant, I would have the occasional glass of wine, but NOTHING in 9 whole months! Wow, I am just amazed, but SO thankful!
It's been quite a long 3 months since my last post and it seems like forever ago that I was sitting down at my computer with my coffee to write. I've been doing plenty of writing, but just not on here. After 6 months of sitting in meetings (6 days a week), I decided that it was time to get serious about the 12 steps. See, when I came into the program in January, I thought I was already doing most of the 12 steps, BUT I wasn't...at all! I had quite a bit of pride that I had to come down from and it takes time for the alcoholic mind to completely heal from all the abuse (sometimes up to a year or longer).
So, what did I do, yup, I started praying for a good sponsor. This has been THE biggest change in my life...fully surrendering each day to the Lord and trusting Him with everything in my daily walk. I prayed for God to bless me with a good sponsor/mentor to guide me through the 12 steps, and I patiently watched as He brought different women into my life, but then He made the way for me to have the BEST. She has been a member of AA for over 20 years, and is truly a gift from God and is exactly what I needed at this stage of my recovery.
Well, I honestly wasn't prepared for (and didn't know) what truly "working" the steps would do for me and my life. Ummm, yeah, it's been completely life changing and I'm not even done! I had NO idea the impact this program would have on my life when I stepped into the room back in January after surrendering to alcohol for the first time ever, but today, I sit here in awe of how thankful I am for God's protection over my life during 30 years of active alcoholism to now finally see the "light" and be set FREE of bondage after all these many years.
It's work, sometimes hard work every day, but one I take very seriously like I never have before. It's progress not perfection. I am making mistakes and learning daily how to embrace this new life of mine. It's overwhelming at times with my brain reconnecting its severed wires, but my emotions are starting to balance themselves out a little. Sometimes, I'm on such a "high" from all the joy of sobriety that I have to bring myself back to reality. I know friends (outside of AA since we AA people get our craziness) think I've lost my mind at times (haha), but hopefully they love me enough to understand. If not, maybe one day they will, but I can't worry about things like that any longer. I did that for way too long. I worried ALL the time about what everyone else thought about me. Mainly because I knew I was a drunk and so insecure that I did everything to overcompensate this problem of mine. Ultimately deepening myself more and more into alcoholism.
The daily struggle was real, my life was completely unmanageable (although I thought I was keeping it together) and alcohol was the ultimate God of my life. As part of my step work, I had to go back through my entire life and write it all out to see just how deep in the throws I was, and how truly messed up my stinking thinking and life truly was, and WOW, I was NUTS and completely obsessed over alcohol...my entire life!!!!! Alcohol WAS my life, and everything centered around it...EVERYTHING! The decisions that I made, the immoral life that I lived ALL because of my alcoholic mind! I reflect on my life with no regrets, but as a lesson to share with others the struggles of alcoholism and the hope for an amazing future living one day at a time, completely free of alcohol.
It's been the BEST gift I could have EVER given myself and my family. I am 100% present, completely free of anxiety (don't even need my meds now) and have the peace that I've only dreamed about for forever in my heart. I'm far from growing and learning, but today, I am SO thankful for the tools I've been given to live this life on life terms, the best I can with my best friend, my Lord and Savior by my side every day.
The one thing I know without a shadow of doubt...we serve a good, GOOD Father. It's up to us to surrender to Him daily and let Him guide our hearts. This is something I have NEVER done up until 3 months ago. Surrendering to him completely, and letting him guide my heart to allow HIS work to be done through me has been amazing and such a gift. He has given me so much peace and a life that I never imagined possible.
Another hard lesson I had to learn along the way was this is a HARD program and many, MANY people won't get it the way I did so quickly. This program isn't for whimps, as a dear old timer always says that comes to a meeting every day (for over 25 years). It's work, daily work to get to a point where you can breath a sigh of relief, but the joy you have when you "get it" is unsurmountable. I pray daily for the ones struggling because there are so many. I go to daily meetings for 2 reasons....I go for myself first and foremost, but I love being there for the newcomer that comes in like I did so nervous 9 months ago, and to see the "miracles"....the individuals that come in so lost and broken to see "life" come back into their souls. It's truly amazing to see and I will NEVER question the power of God EVER again!
One year...I'm coming for you! By the grace of God, I WILL get my one year chip, and MANY more!!! When I ever think about a drink, I will hold my chips and think...do I want to start this journey all over again?!? And then I'll pray long and hard! Not today Satan, I have a life today that I pray will NEVER to be destroyed by alcohol EVER again! Just for today, I will NOT drink...one day at a time has gotten me to 274 days of living life FREE! I am grateful...very, very grateful!