Day 19 ~ January 29th

Today, I'm down 11.5 pounds since the start of this journey! YAY, me! My face isn't as puffy. My eyes aren't bloodshot. My bracelets and rings are looser. My mood is lifting each day. I'm sleeping SO much a baby! No more night sweats. Overall, I'm feeling fantastic!!!

Yesterday, I attended the noon AA meeting. We discussed "anger and resentment". At first, I was like, I don't have an anger issue! Then as members were sharing their stories, I started thinking about how alcohol impacted my life when it came to making me angry or resentful. My heart sank as I realized the awful truth. I raised my hand with overwhelming hesitation to share "my story".

Go back 13 years, I was elated to be a stay at home mom. I gave up my career for the most precious time in my life...raising my babies. There was no hesitation about this, but I had NO idea what I was really getting myself into, of course. First child, cool, I've got this! I felt lonely when Scott was away at work, but pressed on each day without any alcohol since I was breastfeeding. Then number 2 came. My oldest was just 2 years old and boy, she was a handful! She did NOT like sharing me with her little brother for even a second. THIS was SO hard on me. Here are 2 little children, MY children and I felt so overwhelmed by it all. Six months into breastfeeding my son, I decided to start supplementing formula since "mommy needed some mommy time to unwind at night". THAT'S when it ALL started to be a problem! That's when I "needed" wine to calm my anxiety and my nerves from the long day of keeping my oldest happy while taking care of my youngest. It's honestly all a blur...I was so busy with my 2 year old and baby that I barely remember my sons first couple of years except with pictures (thank God for pictures).

Thankfully, God knew this was all the kids this girl could handle, and I was uncertain if I could even handle this if I'm being honest with myself, but I did. I plugged through each day being the best mom I knew how to be, but at the end of the day, mommy would be cracking open a bottle as soon as the kids were fast asleep! Passing out and waking up to do it all over again. I was drinking a bottle of wine back then. Hell, it was only 4 glasses, right!?! Yup, easily justified. Well, I never felt my best after a bottle of wine, but I would put my game face on and fake it until I made it. Whew, another day and another bottle. This continued for a year or two. Then the kids were 2 and 4. Well, I don't even need to say anything else, haha! My drinking escalated. I found my patience running low, I was quick to lose my temper, yelling at them for just being "kids". My ears couldn't handle loud noises so if they screamed, I would fly through the roof. I was becoming an angry mom, a resentful mom...a truly selfish mom!!!

As the years progressed, so did my drinking, my anger and resentment. I was in such denial of all that alcohol was stealing from my life. I was slowly losing myself. Thankfully, the kids were always taken care of and never put in harms way. I did the absolute best I could, but alcohol was my "evil friend" that I needed at the end of every day. Unknowingly, I was hurting myself more than I knew. I was completely dependent of alcohol to help settle my nerves and found I needed more and more with each passing day. I remember taking my daughter to preschool after a binge one night...I had 2 bottles of wine and had the worst hangover ever. I was having mini panic attacks while on the road with the kids. It felt SO overwhelming to me like I was going to die. I managed to drop my daughter off at school then I dropped my son off at my in-laws so I could "get myself together". I phoned my husband crying and went to a park and just walked for an hour. Crying uncontrollably, I knew I had a serious problem, BUT I did NOT want to give it up! THIS increased my anger and resentment issues big time! I took it out on my husband and my kids daily. I wasn't a mean mom, but I was a grumpy one for sure! EVERYTHING was unnerving to me unless I had a drink. If I didn't have a drink then I would be thinking about a drink which made me even more anxious and grumpy towards my family.

Oh the CYCLE of alcoholics! It's TERRIBLE!!! I've wasted SO many years due to the terrible hold alcohol has had on my mind and body. I pray that I NEVER go back to being "that mom". I am determined to "be there" for my kids...REALLY be present for them. It's only been 19 days and I've seen amazing results! I am SO much happier with myself. I FINALLY feel in control of the things I can control and I'm letting go of the things that I can't (little by little). My husband is SO happy with the changes and it's showing in his actions (he was at the end of his rope with me). My kids (especially my son is a little clueless, thankfully) are enjoying mommy not being on edge all the time and being more available to them. It's truly AMAZING all that alcohol sucked out of my life.

Today, I will continue on this journey with my head held high. Doing ALL that I can to take my life back...making this next part of my life one that is filled with peace and contentment. Today, I will NOT drink and press on to a life that is manageable through the good and the bad, and I WILL find a healthy balance in this stressful world. I will continue to trust in Him with each step that I take. He is seeing me through the darkness and I'm FINALLY seeing the light!

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