Day 29 ~ February 8th

On this day, one year ago, the day after Super Bowl 2020...I woke up with the WORST hangover and the most unimaginable shame of my life! Who knew that ONE stupid drunken night would haunt me for SO LONG! The word "shame" doesn't EVEN begin to explain how I felt the next morning after my drunken escapade on Super Bowl night.

Every Super Bowl, we attend a party, but last year, the entire weekend was MUCH different! I was taking my usual January break to jumpstart the New Year with a low carb diet and hadn't had any alcohol (or carbs) up until Super Bowl weekend. I didn't change my diet, but I did add back in alcohol (stupid decision, of course). You know you CAN'T drink alcohol on an empty stomach (which was pretty much my diet...barely eating much of anything with substance), but I obviously didn't care about that one bit! I was just SO excited to drink again!!!

Friday night should have taught me a lesson since I passed out at my friends house that night at her island after drinking (on my diet). I drove home that night with one eye open, barely missing mailboxes, but thankfully she lived just down the street from me in our neighborhood. My husband found me passed out on the, SO BAD!!! Once I woke up, I ran to inspect my car, just to make sure I didn't hit anything because I surely didn't remember HOW I drove home and parked the car in the garage (UGH)! I SWORE I'd NEVER do that again, and wallowed in my self-pity ALL day!

I had promised myself I wouldn't drink at the Super Bowl party, so I packed my mocktails for the night. Unfortunately, there was a little drama that caused me to change my mind quickly once I was at the party. I needed something to calm my nerves, and alcohol was the answer to all my problems at the time. I made the terrible mistake of letting others make my drink which were apparently VERY strong since I only had 4 (which is usually NOTHING to me), but my body couldn't handle all the emotional stress with the mix of alcohol on an empty stomach apparently. All I remember from that night was talking to all the neighbors from our neighborhood (there were a lot of people and their kids) then it hit me...I was WASTED. I somehow managed to get myself to a dark spot away from everyone and passed out (which was their dining room). My friends did all they could to shield me by using me as a "coat rack". Unfortunately, I was a lost cause before half time even came on! How EMBARRASING and SO humiliating!!!!! As if that wasn't enough to embarrass me, my husband had to get help from a friend to get me to the car since I couldn't wake-up to even walk to the car! I don't remember ANYTHING!!! The ULTIMATE walk of shame and I didn't even know! How HUMILIATING!!!

The WORST part wasn't how terrible I felt the next day (and boy, I REALLY felt the worst I've EVER felt and deserved every bit of it). BUT, I was a leader of a Christian organization called "Campus Life" and 4 of the kids from the group lived in my neighborhood and were at the Super Bowl party. THEY saw their "leader" drunk and passed out! What a GREAT example, right?!? TERRIBLE!!!!! Well, I had SO much remorse...I cried for days over this! I said my apologies to the people I felt needed them so I could move on from this HORRIBLE moment in my life! I was REAL hard on myself (as I should have been) and you would have thought THAT moment would end my drinking career, but it didn't.

A month later, I had FINALLY moved on from this HORRIBLE night when the Regional Director of Campus Life (who I was close to) called to speak with me about a phone call she had received about me. WHAT?!? I frantically had to gather my thoughts since her tone was quite serious. She proceeded to ask me if I had ever been drunk in front of Campus Life kids. COMPLETELY thrown off guard...EVERYTHING came flooding back to that one night! I was HUMILIATED! Just when I was FINALLY moving on then BAM! It was a HUGE slap in the face for me. I found out it was a "good friend" that wasn't even there that went to her about that night. Needless to say, I was PISSED. I was SO hurt! I was ANGRY!!! I NEVER, EVER would have done that to someone...especially NOT a so called "friend"! BUT, I knew it was ALL my fault! As much as I really wanted to just punch that girl, my "friend" in the face....the fact was, I did this so I HAD to own it and pay for the consequences.

After I got off the phone with my Regional Director, I cried and cried. I had spent weeks getting over this horrible moment in my life to have it ALL thrown back in my face again. Self-pity, despair and worthlessness swept over me like NEVER before. I hit an all time low in my life that I can't begin to describe. That paved the way for a LONG 2020 filled with bitterness and resentment toward this "friend" as well as LOTS of remorse and resentment within myself.

I've had to let it go, but the scars are still there. I've asked for forgiveness over this SO many times that I know God is like...enough already!!! I've had LOTS of stupid, STUPID moments, but NONE like this! This was a HUGE lesson for me...the BIGGEST! However, I STILL didn't stop drinking! In fact, my drinking started spiraling more and more out of control (it sure didn't help that Covid-19 hit soon after)! Although I masked it pretty good, I continued to wallow in my self-pity while digging deeper into despair...I drank EVERY. SINGLE. DAY! I put back most of the weight that I lost earlier...I just didn't really care about myself and I was letting alcohol control my life more and more each day.

This story is a HARD one to share because it's so UNREAL that this even happened. It's one of "those" stories that I wish I could just completely forget, but I can't. I know I'm forgiven and it's been a year, so it's time that I forgive myself and move on. I am SO thankful for God's plan...His plan is a faithful one. The move to North Carolina was a HUGE blessing in disguise, but I didn't really know it until we moved. It took some time for me to "accept" that I had to give alcohol up for good, but I FINALLY did it! 4 months after our move, I joined AA and FINALLY, I'm on the right path after ALL these years! I never want to have regrets like I have in the past for so many years. It's a TERRIBLE thing to live with and I don't have time for that in my life anymore.

As I go through my 12 steps, I'm having to really process these HARD moments in my life. I'm processing it all and it's helping me to release them once and for ALL. BUT, I'm going to have to keep working hard daily to accomplish all of the many challenges on this journey. One BIG one is to forgive myself for all of my wrong doings, and my "friend" with whom I still have resentment towards, but I CAN and WILL make amends to anyone that I do not have true peace with through my abuse with alcohol.

Life is short and I've wasted SO much of my precious time on earth to alcohol. WHY?!? Because I'm an alcoholic...plain and simple! I've learned HUGE life lessons over the last 30 years, but I'm NOW embracing the beautiful life that God has planned for me! He never gave up on me and I'm NOT giving up on myself! One day, one minute, one breath at a time. I can do THIS!!!

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