Day 4 ~ January 14th

Updated: Jan 14, 2021

Today, I am thankful! Thankful that I haven't had any major withdrawals. Thankful for the support of my family, my friends and my higher power (God) that have seen me through each day. I suggested to my husband that I should go to the hospital to detox just in case I started having serious withdrawals (which thankfully I've never had). I was so nervous and anxious to stop for that reason alone. I had no idea how my body would respond this time, but my husband said "we can do this" and so we did.

2020 hit us hard! The stress of it all was something I never could have ever imagined. Things were going SO good from January until March. My husband was having his best year yet with our Travel Agency. I cut back on alcohol and lost weight. I was actually working out 3-4 days a week at the gym (since I'm an extreme extrovert and can't work out alone). I was feeling so good about myself! Then BAM, Covid-19 hit.

We've had our travel agency for 20 years and my husband is the breadwinner. I've been home with the kids for 13 years, so needless to say, my husbands stress level was through the roof (and that's an understatement)!! Kids were home full time, a stressed out to the max husband was home full time, a father-in-law that lives with us that we care for with dementia, and then there was me. Pity party, pity party, yes, I know, BUT it was hard for me. REAL hard! So, instead of embracing this pandemic with a "getting healthy" attitude, I chose to do the extreme opposite! I started drinking around 3pm after the kids were done with their day. Day by day, minute by minute, I pushed through each day waiting for 3pm to hit. How sad is that? But this was my reality and the only way I knew to cope. Amongst everything, my husband decided to close our store front location due to our business completely coming to a halt. Thankfully, he's able to manage everything from the home office, but it was all incomprehensible. What is going to happen to our future, I thought, but I prayed. I prayed HARD! I cried! I was so upset with our lives being turned upside down! But then, it was clear, clear as day...we needed to move to NC to be close to my family (and cut our bills in half). So, we sold our house in less than 24 hours and moved all within 45 days. The move was a bit stressful (to say the least) but we knew NC was where we needed to be. It was so hard to leave our friends that are more like family, but we knew they weren't going anywhere. I was hopeful that I could just stop as soon as we moved, but obviously we know that didn't happen. I did get better and didn't pour my first drink until around 6pm (since summer time was over) but I couldn't wait until the clock struck 6 every day! That was my reward for all the stress, my comfort after a long day, my evil little friend.

Today, I decided to pamper myself so I got my hair and nails done which was a nice treat. I mean I am saving at least $15 a day on booze, so why not treat myself! I can't say enough about the wonderful lady who does my nails. We share personal stories with each other. She knew my struggle with alcohol and has been praying for me. This wonderful lady has shared her heart to me as well. Her ex-husband is slowly dying of alcohol abuse. His liver is shutting down and cancer has taken control of his body. It's so sad, he's only 47 and slowly dying due to his addiction to alcohol. He lost her a couple of years ago because of some mistakes he made because of alcohol (after 20 years of marriage) and is slowly repairing the relationship with their daughter before he gains his wings . She shared this with me because of my struggles with letting go. What a HUGE moment for me. That could be me! If I continue, that WILL be me! I have done so much harm to my body over the years without even thinking twice. How awful is that?!? Was my self esteem and self worth that low that I never even cared about the harm I was doing to my body? I struggle so much trying to even remotely comprehend how on earth I let myself get this far gone. Our bodies are our temples, it's the only one we'll ever have but yet, we take it for granted everyday. I am determined to beat this and be FREE from the bondage that alcohol has had on me for so many years. Now, thank God, I FINALLY can see a glimpse of light and know I'm heading in the right direction. I am learning to know my worth and love myself. I am worthy of so much more...we ALL are!

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